Peter Birks ([info]peterbirks) wrote,
@ 2009-07-04 08:40:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend  Next Entry
Ireland nationalized
Alistair Darling stepped in this morning and announced the nationalization of Ireland. The UK's finance minister said that the country had failed to fulfil its 1922 franchise and was walking away from long-agreed obligations.
"Recent defaults in the financial sector and on bonds are in direct contravention agreed in the renewable 1922 franchise. In order to ensure a smooth continued running of Ireland, the UK government has decided to step in".
Sir Bob Geldof has been appointed CEO of New Ireland, with Mr Darling acting as chief financial officer.
Sir Bob said that it would be a challenging new role. "We need the fucking money and we need it now!" he told the Catholic Herald.
Of major concern was that English customers of Ireland who were planning to travel to Dublin on stag and hen weekends should not suffer. Mr Darling said:
"It was vital to take immediate action to avoid chaos at Luton Airport on Friday, where thousands of Ireland customers gather every week. There were strong rumours that, had we not stepped in, the customers would have found Dublin closed or, at best, only offering one pint of Guinness per customer per evening".

Irish prime minister Brian Cowan was taken by surprise by the announcement.

"What the fuck is the idiot talking about?" he asked.

Meanwhile, Sharon Blotto, who is getting married next Saturday at Tilbury Registry Office, told the BBC while she waited for her Ryanair plane at Stansted, said:
"It's terrible. Me and my mates were looking forward to a weekend of getting fucking smashed, and the next thing we know, the woman at the desk was telling us that Ireland was broke and shut and we could go to North Wales instead but it would cost us an extra two 'undred quid and the baggage would have to go to Ireland anyway".

Martin McGuinness, pro tem foreign secretary in New Ireland plc, whic is being redomiciled to the Cayman Islands "because it's nicer there", said that the major task would be to ensure that foreign relations are kept going as smoothly as possible.
"Obviously a united Ireland has always been a dream of mine", he said, and this new situation is, in that sense, very welcome".

Northern Ireland will not be a part of New Ireland plc, but will be a wholly owned subsidiary, registered in Switzerland and with its head office in Douglas, Isle of Man. "We chose the IoM because it's the nearest place not in the EU", said Mr Darling.

Northern Ireland (IoM) will be a special purpose vehicle, with its debt securitized on Douglas (III) notes, paying 6.5% annually in euros, redeemable at any time if you are a Protestant, but maturing only in 2060 if you are a Catholic.

George Osborne said that this was another example of the British taxpayer having to step in to save an operation that was allowed to become "too big to fail".
"Personally, I would have let it go under", he said. "They took it all in the good times -- you can't drive down a dual carriageway in Ireland without seeing a sign saying 'Thank the lord for the EU transport minister'. So they should realize that with privilege comes, er, well, something comes with it. I just had the privilege bit when I was young, you understand. What is it? With privilege comes a nice car? No, that doesn't sound right".

Vince Cable of the Liberal Democrats was away for the weekend at his main or his secondary residence, he can never remember which it is at any particular time.

______________



__________________

(22 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]jaybee66
2009-07-04 10:03 am UTC (link)
Yawn! What is this crap?

Still sore over getting your asses whipped in '22?

Ireland maybe broke but is not overpopulated and can live within any means.

Unlike the UK, dependent on printing money and imports.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 04:54 pm UTC (link)
Well, Birks has taken care of Mr Anonymous below, so as per his request I will address the minor -- indeed, minuscule -- points raised by JB. As far as I can see they are just about as illiterate, but I can't gainsay a well-reasoned argument just because it is couched in language of which an English Public Schoolboy should be ashamed.

I'm afraid I never paid much attention to Irish history at Oxford. There's a lot of history to be examined, and to be honest, Irish history just didn't seem very important in the general scheme of things; not when set against, say, 13th century manorial receipts, or the serial idiocy of the Stuarts.

However, I believe that talk of "ass whipping in '22" lacks that most essential of historical tools -- ie accuracy with dates. Correct me if I'm using an inappropriate calendar (the Gregorian is generally considered acceptable, though I suspect that you would be wrong even on the Julian), but ass-whipping, such as it was, was long past by '22. The relevant year here would be '21, where the War of Independence was effectively ended by the Truce in July and signed off by the Treaty in December.

What ass-whipping occurred in '22 was largely colonic -- internal -- rather than colonial. As far as I can make out the Irish Civil War (which occupied pretty much all of 1922) consisted of the repulsive de Valera siding with the loopier end of the anti-Treaty IRA against Michael Collins. The irony here is of course that, had he been left alone rather than shot by O'Neill, Collins would have continued with what he was good at: ie "whipping ass," this time in Northern Ireland.

Be provocative by all means, James, but do let's try to stick to some semblance of reality.

Personally, I'd rather have my ass whipped than be stuck with an Agrarian National Socialist for the next fifty years. Of course, had you been brought up under the Christian Brothers, you'd have had no choice: both were compulsory.

And, all together now: it was a joke. Luckily, the Dubliners with whom I spent a stag weekend last month have a sense of humour. It's only nitwits on the internet who lack it.

Btw, I'm a big fan of Biffo Cowen. But only for the epithet.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]jaybee66
2009-07-04 05:15 pm UTC (link)
I usually don't bother to read your 'ten words where one will do' drivel but I thought I would give it a try this time.

And boy don't you come across as a colossal hand fuck.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 05:32 pm UTC (link)
Dear James,
What do you want to be when you grow up?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]jaybee66
2009-07-04 05:37 pm UTC (link)
I'd like to be a master of verbal diarrhoea like you.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-04 07:21 pm UTC (link)
Sadly, there's a way to go because words really aren't your friend yet, are they? Bastard, tricky words. Always making you sound like a twat.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]jaybee66
2009-07-04 07:26 pm UTC (link)
Ewwwwwwwwww I'm sooooo scared.

If you could afford to leave your London hovel, meet me pool side in Gibraltar and biff me on the gobeen then I might actually wet myself.

Talking of twats, it's nice to see that this little congregation of poker playing egits is no different from the ones I remember. Get rich quick, cliquey, closeted, mouthy, little turds.

Another drinky please, waiter.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Ummm...
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 07:37 pm UTC (link)
You do realise that Anonymous" wasn't me, don't you, Jimbo?

I mean, what with the lack of verbal diarrhoea an' all?

Only clowns and faded Hollywood starlets in Raymond Chandler novels ask for "a drinkie."

And you can't even spell that correctly.

I shall have to have a word with Barry Maurice Waller Trapnell. Or possibly Dr Maximilian von Hapsburg-Lothringen.

Whupping asses? You bet.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-05 12:22 am UTC (link)
Why would I think you might be scared? I didn't say anything that could be construed as threatening.

I don't live in London. I live in England now, having lived in Ireland for many years. I've got no desire to go to Gibraltar to confront you but I do think it's quite sweet that you appear to think that Gibraltar is some sort of shangri-la, out of the reach of so many. (Gibraltar!)

In other rebuttals to your rant:

I'm not get rich quick: I turned down working in a bank in the 90's and now run a small charity.
I don't think I'm cliquey: I've never met any people who comment on this site.
I don't know what the closeted accusation means. Homosexual? Wrong there: married with first (probably only) child on the way.
Mouthy? Compared to you? I think not.
Little? I'm 6'2".

So, nice work fella. Top post.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
My John Thomas
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-06 08:19 pm UTC (link)
Bear with me for a while.

At 6'2", you are quite short, I'm afraid. No offence. I'm 6'6", and despite being an annoying big git when I rowed at Cambridge, I've learned to think about what to do it that split second between, say, flying to Gibraltar and knee-capping an idiot with a trowel.

The odd thing about being tall, and older than (say) thirty, is that it doesn't matter any more. You've already got the defensive reflexes built in. Threatening things happen. Oddly enough, those threatening things are rarely invitations to confront a pudgy ex-public schoolboy with a nasty little mental problem next to a swimming pool in Gibraltar.

You really, really, shouldn't have mentioned things like not being a homosexual. Or having kids. This is just grist to the Plastic Paddy's mill.

Now.

I'm not married, but I've got a sort of step-daughter. (Sort of, as in her mother talks that way. Also, I love her. She's probably the most important person in my life.)

Get non-anonymous, and we'll swap photos. And, maybe, talk.

(Sorry, forgot to justify the title. It was my grandfather's name. He was a tit ... not unlike JB.)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]peterbirks
2009-07-05 09:08 am UTC (link)
And how many euros are you paying for your whiskies and soda, James? Cigarettes cheap there, booze too, but hotels charge the earth.

PJ

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]jaybee66
2009-07-05 09:10 am UTC (link)
Just visiting sweetie, to see the tennis on the Beeb.

Sleeping at a relative's house in Cadiz.

(Reply to this) (Parent)
A life unexamined
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 07:29 pm UTC (link)
Fine. Let's examine your other thesis, shall we?

Now, I'm aware that you are of the Gold Standard persuasion, and so free gifts wrapped in tinsel don't mean much to you. I'm also aware that this €34 billion is sunk money, and therefore doesn't affect whether or not Eire can "live within its means."

It might affect whether or not the Irish vote for or against the Lisbon treaty. I hope not, because the best thing about the Irish is that they're contrary sods who won't put up with bollocks. I doubt it, though, because the Church and the farmers have already been bought off.

(Reply to this) (Parent)
Ireland nationalized
(Anonymous)
2009-07-04 11:22 am UTC (link)
I dont believe you have payed mutch attention to your own economy its Britain thats broke not Ireland,10% of the population in the republic of Ireland is British born just behind the Polish immigrants they come here for a better standard of living.

(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]peterbirks
2009-07-04 12:51 pm UTC (link)
I hope Doubleday reads these comments and can work out how to reply, because I am stymied.

I suppose "LOL" would be one possibility.

Or perhaps a recommendation to read Swift's "A Modest Proposal"?

Or perhaps a statement that the piece could easily have been "about" Iceland, the US, or France, since the main target was UK politicians.

Then again, perhaps just some Anglo-Saxon epithets.


A fraction less than 5% of the population in Ireland is English- or Welsh-born. To say "British-born" is nonsense, since Ireland is part of the British Isles. If you mean "Great Britain" (which excludes Northern Ireland but includes Scotland), then your 420,000 assertion is plain wrong.

The Irish census does not ask about ethnicity, but I would be surprised if fewer than half of the 200,000 were "returnees" (people born in England and Wales to Ireland-born parents). Most of these are, like Butler, are more Irish than the Irish (or like to pretend that they are).

Briefly. Your one-line post is illiterate, ungrammatical and factually incorrect.

Hardly an advertisement for the Irish education system, I fear. Then again, the English one is just as bad. (How's that for even-handedness).

But, since Ireland was an irrelevant sideshow in the piece, which was a joke about the UK government's penchant for nationalization if anything looks likely to get into trouble, your misstatements about Ireland are unimportant, BECAUSE THE PIECE WAS ABOUT UK POLITICIANS, NOT ABOUT IRELAND.

Now, either reveal your benighted anonymous soul in all its glory, or begone, never to darken these doors again. If you post anonymously again, I will delete it. I'm only answering this post to make things clearer about what I actually meant, and that no disrespect to Ireland was intended.

Oh, and go back and read my earlier posts on the UK economy. That might show you how much attention I have "payed".

_______________

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]jaybee66
2009-07-04 05:24 pm UTC (link)
A Chara,

Ignore Birks. It's the usual scape-goatery. Mock others to make yourself feel good about yourself. A look back at recent posts suggests he hasn't been taking enough yellow or red lithium recently.

I do hope one of his ex-relatives was posted to Ireland between 1919 and 1921 and my grandfather (with trusty Mauser) dispatched the aforementioned relative to hell where all 'good' Sasanaigh belong.

Slán agat.

Séamas de Buitléar

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]peterbirks
2009-07-04 05:33 pm UTC (link)
Ahh James, what would I do without you? The point here is that I expect a higher standard of post from anonymous google alert trollers than I ever expect from you, whose charming inanities I have come to expect, nay, love.

PJ

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 06:28 pm UTC (link)
Hmmm. I read that wrong, first time round.

Luckily, Oundle doesn't teach ironic inversion, so you're probably safe on that one.

(Reply to this) (Parent)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 05:30 pm UTC (link)
Incidentally, the very last austerity measure that the Taoiseach would take is to ration Guinness to one pint per person per night. Have you seen the price of the stuff? And most of that price is tax: an unholy alliance between the Irish Treasury and the Irish teetotal abstinence movement. (Yes, it's surprisingly strong.)

For those who can bear a surfeit of rugby with their pint, may I recommend the Swan just off George St (it's actually on Aungier, as though that mattered). Owned by the Lynch family, excellent Guinness, and frankly good value even if you are a teetotaller. Just tell Ronan the big fella sent you. (It may be necessary to do a silly walk at this point. On no account pretend to be the other big fella. Getting shot by a dum-dum bullet is not considered cool on the south side of the river.)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Ireland nationalized
[info]peterbirks
2009-07-04 05:40 pm UTC (link)
Did you ever read my tale of a drunken Saturday night in the most Republican pub in North Dublin? Got talking to some splendid chaps who eventually decided that, on the balance of things, I probably wasn't an army spy, so they wouldn't have me killed.

Great times. And they thought all the westerners were bog-trotters too, Mausers or not. This confirmed my long-held opinion that inhabitants of capital cities have much more in common with each other than with the real world outside.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Capital ideas
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 06:18 pm UTC (link)
That may actually be true, so long as you limit yourself to "European" capital cities. (I speak, of course, as a son of the Second City of Empire. Without such colonial superiority, I wouldn't give JB the time of day. Not that it would be of much use to him, since he blindly copied the Year of Whipping Asswardly from your original post.) It certainly isn't true of, say, Canberra. Or Brasilia. Or Dodoma (to get exotic). I'm not even sure it's true of Dublin, and for good reason.

Now, I love Dublin. I won't hear a word said against it. But it's a bit, well, not "capital city"-ish, isn't it? Which is why I love it.

There's only one pub in Dublin that I would never have walked in to, either north or south of the river. I forget the name of it: what was obvious was that, since it had a set of murals from the Bogside (and I quite like the Bogside), it was unlikely to be welcoming to somebody who inadvertently looks like a retired officer of Military Intelligence. It was shut down after a daft black squaddie walked in and asked if "one of you republican bastards wants to take me on?" Unsurprisingly, one of them did.

Other than that, I've hung out in Dublin bars of all political persuasions. One of them was a Sinn Fein pub. I got very emotional about the collection jar for the Cause, because the Cause was Motor Neurone Disease. Like your North Dublin pub (I'll look it up), it's not a problem on either side unless they persist with talking like a cretin.

"Ah, so yer back from San Francisco, are yez, Declan? It's been a long time. I'll see you in the back room then."

(This is a good time to sit in a quiet corner. Strangely, Sinn Fein pubs seem to specialise in quiet corners.)

I think you're overestimating the cultural symmetry here, or perhaps misappropriating it. It isn't so much about where you (or they) come from; it's about acting appropriately -- even when blind drunk and otherwise offensive. (Did I tell you about ... no, perhaps I'd better not.)

My local down the road has had two murders in the last five years. It's the base camp for the Zulu Warriors (the Birmingham City "Firm" of the seventies and eighties). I still owe the fuckers a biography.

It's not a bad little place, but the bar staff could be a mite friendlier. I'll have a word with the lads down the **********(redacted for reasons of personal security) in Dublin.



(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Capital ideas
[info]real_aardvark
2009-07-04 06:23 pm UTC (link)
Oh, and if only I thought that you could have that sort of conversation in a North Dublin pub without alcohol being involved ... I'd probably give the bastard stuff up myself.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(22 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…